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I overheard some discussions inside our team, which were about how lucky I had been. How I had been able to jump in better conditions than anyone else. How my skies had been better than theirs. Shit, I had spent almost the whole day before the first competition TESTING my pairs of skies together with my girlfriend who was one of the skiing competitors here. Which was another reason to complain - as she was a foreigner. From a different team - and I was probably there selling OUR secrets to them. Oh crap - I just ignored them and agreed to jump first. Like I had a choice.While in the first competition we had jumped from the normal - K90 - hill, in this second competition, we would jump from the larger - K120 - hill. Since I had moved from ski jumping to this Nordic Combined, so this competition was usually the better one for me. Even if I was a bit too heavy and muscular to be a really good ski jumper, I was usually considered as one of the best jumpers in this Combined race. What had. Iwant to wear my status for all the world to see. I see no limits.The chills return and I scrunch up in my seat as my body surrenders tothe tremors. I use a meditation technique to calm down. The tremorssubside. I feel no more a man today than the Hispanic mom does. I feelcloser to her for some odd reason than I do the three white kids downthe other end of the train. I feel even better. I feel proud. I'm afaggot! I know why I was put on earth now! I need to push this as far asit can go. I need to become the absolute best faggot I can possiblybecome. I need to pursue the depths with a monks dedication. There areno brakes anymore, just consequences. Its going to be tough and itsgoing to suck but I know its right and absolute, honestly, that's all Iever asked out of life. I have no desire in being in a man on man, hiking buddies, sweaters andantiquing kind of thing. I have no interest whatsoever in subtle. I needto scream! I want it all! I want to be Tammy Wynette! I want to Stand bymy.
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